Precision

I know advertisement should be clear and not misleading. I received this one SMS advertising that really takes the cake. And got a headache trying to count the numbers.

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Haze puts Singapore on the world map

Came across this article in The Business Times and thought it is a pretty funny article. Some Singapore will get angry reading it but the question ” where did you learn such good English?” is what everyone gets.

THE world reacted with incredulity yesterday when it discovered what a “Singapore” was. Some clues to the existence of the city-state began emerging on Wednesday, when millions of orders for respiratory masks began crashing Amazon’s servers.
“I’ve seen that word before on one or two orders, you know?” an e-retailer told The Business Times yesterday. “But I got like a million orders from these Singaporeanese this week, and I thought, ‘boy, the air in China must be getting a lot worse’.”
Some, however, have expressed doubt at its existence. “I can’t see it on Nasa’s website of satellite images. There’s a patch of white smoke where people say it should be,” a forum member on Reddit said.
“This is a massive cover-up for something else. I don’t know what it is, but I know someone whose dentist’s cousin’s wife has been threatened by the yakuza. So anything is possible with these Koreans.”
Yesterday, an international team of anthropologists landed at Changi Airport, as part of a global effort to understand this latest geographical discovery.
Their expedition, however, hit haze-related snags as they attempted to observe mask-wearing locals. “That all Asians look the same is a gross and inaccurate generalisation. But the top halves of their faces are remarkably similar,” read the notes of one scientist.
This study of the natives was further impeded as most stayed indoors due to the country’s deteriorating air quality. The few inhabitants who remained outdoors were construction workers, but their mask-less visages confounded the experts further.
“These are apparently a super-strain of the populace, whose respiratory systems – if they have one – are immune to particulate matter,” the scientist’s notes added.
The knowledge gleaned from local news coverage, however, proved more helpful. Yesterday, McDonald’s – which discovered “Singapore” long before the rest of the world but shared its discovery only with Starbucks – was forced to apologise for a haze-related ad that it ran in the papers earlier in the week.
“The lingua franca of the natives is a rich and ancient one, with multiple references to female anatomical parts and constant references to the listener’s maternal relations,” another expert’s preliminary findings said. “No equivalent local phrase, however, has been found for ‘sense of humour’.”
While a hastily convened International Meridian Conference on Wednesday assigned Singapore a Greenwich Mean Time of +8:00, the island now runs on an hourly schedule maintained by the National Environment Agency.
“Regardless of whatever is being done at the moment, there is a local custom called the Bending of Heads every hour on the hour, in which a mobile device is held reverently in both hands,” a tour guide said in its briefing of the island’s inaugural group of tourists.
“An almanac called the Pollution Standards Index is consulted, and depending on the number, the next phase of the ritual – the Shaking of Heads – might commence.”
As the country laboured on, both in breathing and in the CBD, the mood among locals was grim.
“It’s bad enough we have this haze. Now I have all these foreigners walking around and asking me where I learnt to speak such good English,” an office manager told BT yesterday.
“When I look outside my office, I can’t even see Marina Bay Sands anymore . . . So, the haze has an upside, after all.”
For some businesses, however, the haze presented a new opportunity as the PSI hit a record 401 yesterday. Enrichment centres reported being inundated by calls from parents, all of whom were keen for their offspring to beat its score in next year’s Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE).
“Singapore has to stay competitive, especially in the wake of foreign competition. I just didn’t think that next year’s top scorer would be from Indonesia,” a visibly shaken parent told one of the researchers from a visiting think-tank.
“What’s an ‘Indonesia’?” the researcher asked.

Things my masseuse(s) say

People usually book a massage when they are stressed out and need a break, but for me, I will go for a massage to soothe the shoulder muscle strain that always give me a headache. I used to lift weights and swim quite a fair bit in my youth hence I do have broad shoulder and larger proportion of muscle on my body.

Almost every time I go to the budget massage place near my workplace for a 45 mins foot and shoulder massage, the different masseuse assigned to massaging me will have something to say (about my body). And I thought I should just compile them:

1. (On my legs) You walk a lot right? and very fast right? Try not to walk so fast.
2. (On my legs) You play football? Your legs are thick.
3. (On my shoulder) Wah!!!
4. (On my shoulder) You lift metal (weight?) Your body is so hard.
5. (On my shoulder) You are national swimmer? Why your shoulder so broad?
6. (On my shoulder) You are like a stone! So hard! See the way my fist bounce off your back? (and proceed to pound my back repeatedly)
7. (continued from 6) Quick, call the police! (I asked why?) I am assaulting you, report to the police for assault (and continue to pound my back repeatedly)
8. (On my shoulder) Your shoulder is so hard, I use my entire body strength already, you need to come back for a full 45 mins shoulder massage.
9. (On my body) I think you use to be Y shaped but now you are a X (proceed to jab at my love handle), because of these lah, from Y to X.

[To be updated]